這是一位雅思寫作考試6.5分的同學寫的作文，應當來說，根底不錯，寫從句沒有問題。這位同學的方針是，寫作想上7分。

 

看到TA的這篇discuss類的文章，很明顯，TA很走運！由于前次考的必定不是discuss類型的文章。由于這樣的寫法頂多6.0。明顯，TA說前次寫的是利害的標題。

 

先看看學生原文：

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There is a growing consensus that the administrations as well as some industrial companies have the obligation and capacity to protect and promote our living surroundings. More specifically,most economic achievements have been obtained at the cost of the environmental pollution and the scarcity of resources of local areas. Besides, the governments are blessed with sound budget and legal system so that the detailed arrangement cannot be a bother. And this position claims that international cooperation is significantly important to this situation and only by joint effort can pool enough investment and labor force.

 

However, it is contended by some critics that, to some extent, personal actions are superior to other efforts in dealing with this disturbing problem. In details, the whole perfect plan may turn out to be an empty sheet if the residents do not obey the orders and even keep worsening the environment. So this argument goes on that, it is the individuals’ actions, indeed, that put all theories into practice. So under this circumstance, person should and must play an irreplaceable role in this issue.

 

詳細問題如下：

 

1，典型的傳話筒文章。中心兩段沒有自個的情緒。換句話說，盡管考官寫的文章在中心段客觀，可是也能看出自個對雙方的情緒。而這位同學寫的徹底看不出來。

2，中心段拓寬方法不對。沒有將一個觀點徹底打開，并且用了more specifically, in details這些車轱轆話。

3，套句明顯：this position claims, so this argument goes on。

4，邏輯方面的連接欠好。對于邏輯方面，我的詳細點評如下：

 

比方，There is a growing consensus that the administrations as well as some industrial companies have the obligation and capacity to protect and promote our living surroundings（觀點：公司和政府有職責保護環境）. More specifically,most economic achievements have been obtained at the cost of the environmental pollution and the scarcity of resources of local areas.（詳細地說，他們經濟方面的成功是以環境為價值。）Besides，。。。。。。。。。（依照前面兩句所說，那么第三句話就應當是：因而公司不能為了經濟利益而損壞環境。相反，他們應當.....）可是，從besides開端TA又從頭引入了一個新的觀點。給人感受就是一個都沒說清楚，又弄另一個去了。

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